Jesus tackles the very difficult and emotionally charged topic of divorce. You need to know up front that some of what I say may sound very harsh to some of you who have experienced divorce.

I’m not here to add to your pain, but I’m aware I might. I may frustrate some of you who want to make your marriage work, but your spouse doesn’t. That’s not my intention either, but it could happen. Some of you are about to make the biggest mistake of your life and walk out on your marriage, and you may feel I’m out to condemn you—that’s not my intention either.

Some of you are right in the middle of the marital danger zone where the signs of marital trouble are escalating such as: Someone or something other than your spouse is meeting your primary emotional needs. Sex is drastically limited or non-existent. Longstanding conflicts continue to be a source of pain. Your hearts are hardening toward each other to the point you are now wondering whether you ought to end your marriage and call it quits. Let me encourage you to answer four questions before you decide to divorce.

1. Is a divorce worth it? Count the cost or the consequences before calling it quits:

• Conflict usually increases especially if kids are involved.
• Financial pressures increase. There’s a 10 percent average loss following a split.
• Self-esteem tends to dip due to another failure in your life.
• Future marital failure increases. Did you know when people remarry within two years of their divorce, 83 percent end up divorcing their new spouse?
• Children are scarred. They are more likely to abuse drugs, commit acts of violence, and experience more marital problems and a higher divorce rate.
• Finally, and most importantly, divorce undoes the work of God. That’s what Jesus said in a conversation He had with some religious leaders.

Jesus was saying, "Stop focusing on loopholes. When you said, ‘I do’, you were joined together by God and a new sacred union was created. But divorce takes apart what God has put together. So you ought to think twice before undoing what God has created."

2. Is a divorce morally right in any situation? It’s one thing to consider what the consequences will be for you, your kids, your "ex," and who might become your Mr. or Mrs. "Next." But it’s another to initiate a process where you will destroy the creative work of God who put you two together. I don’t know about you, but I’d want to be sure that getting divorced was the morally right thing to do in my situation. Are my motives and reasons on God’s approved list? Here are four common motivations for considering divorce.

Do any of these sound familiar? (1) "I don’t love you anymore." (2) "It was a mistake to marry you in the first place." (3) "Our differences are irreconcilable." (4) "You’ve betrayed me in such a way that I can no longer trust you." So how do those reasons stack up with what Jesus said about divorce? Remember, when the religious leaders came to discredit Jesus, He upheld marriage as a permanent covenant before God, while the leaders looked to Moses for loopholes.

The religious leaders said in Matthew 19:7–9, "’Then why did Moses say a man could merely write an official letter of divorce and send her away?’" they asked. Jesus replied, "’Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended.’"

These religious leaders wanted Jesus’ stamp of approval on the common practice of no-fault divorce, and they even appealed to Moses as the promoter of it. Jesus hammered them and said, "Moses was not justifying divorce for any cause. Your problem is hard hearts. Look inside—you’re evil and you need to soften your hearts toward your spouse and God. Just because there are some stress fractures and problems in your marriage doesn’t mean instant divorce. Don’t run from your marriage, face your problems—and reconcile before it becomes terminal."

You see, it was only out of people’s hard-hearted wickedness that God permitted divorce in certain circumstances as an accommodation to human sin and the protection of innocent people discarded in marriages. God’s original design was still the model to pursue.

Well, what exactly constitutes marital unfaithfulness? Let me say that there are some differences of opinion on what Jesus meant. The word Jesus uses is a term to describe any illicit sexual activity. In this context, I believe Jesus is speaking of physical adultery where marital trust is so damaged that it’s difficult to resolve the doubts about your spouse’s ability to be faithful and committed again. Again, Jesus is upholding the marriage bond as something that is so sacred, there is only one legitimate reason to ever go to the extreme of divorcing. But even in the case of adultery, God doesn’t command us to divorce our spouse. He allows it.

Let me also say that some relationships cross the line of being safe for a spouse or children to remain in. You should never put the saving of the relationship over the safety and well being of those in it. In abusive situations where you are threatened physically and emotionally—get out to a place of safety until things can be resolved one way or another.

I believe adultery and desertion are morally valid reasons for saying goodbye. But just because divorce is a morally legitimate option in a given situation, it’s not required or commanded by God. God’s message to us about divorce is this: if there is any way to avoid divorce, avoid it. Divorce, as a cure, is far worse than the disease. I have personally seen God do miracles in rebuilding couples after the devastation of an affair.

3. Is it possible for trust to be restored? When this question is asked, the usual response is "I don’t know." My answer is, "if you don’t know then you ought to find out. You ought to at least try, because if trust can be restored, and divorce and all its consequences avoided, that’s the best option. Seek God, help and counseling.

Here are two keys for trust to be restored: repentance and forgiveness. Until the offending spouse is broken over his or her sin and comes clean with God and his or her spouse, trust can never be rebuilt. Until the offended spouse can forgive, the relationship can never be restored. Repentance and forgiveness will keep your hearts from becoming bitter and hard.

What if it my reasons for divorce were not morally legitimate in God’s eyes? What if I didn’t do the marriage or the divorce thing right? Let me close with two things: First, divorce is not the unpardonable sin. You may face the consequences of your poor choices, but forgiveness is available. God’s grace is available to you through His Son’s death on the cross.